Can I get a witness? I am so SICK of skinny jeans! They are the corsets of the 21st century.
They bind. They constrict. They are worn by too many people who shouldn’t be wearing them. Girls with baby fat. Boys with no ass. People with thighs. Pregnant women. Toddlers. People old enough to know better.
Back when I was a tiny size 1 and wearing skinny jeans, I got written up at work for inadvertently exposing my butt and midriff. I devised all kinds of strategies to counteract this problem – long shirts, wearing granny underwear to hide the gap of flesh that peeked out every time I sat down, cinching up my belt a few more notches.
Even when you’re tiny, skinny jeans are problematic. They stretch out. They slide down your ass. They are so low waisted that your butt crack shows whenever you bend over to pet the cat, grab the remote, take out the garbage, reach something on the lower shelf at the grocery store, get a notebook out of a locker, get in and out of your car. You can’t raise the waistline on these things because it throws off the proportion, and everyone ends up looking like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.
Granted, there are thousands of Pinterest images of slender, beautiful hipsters in Brooklyn and Paris who wear these things every day, espressos in hand, with fierce, fashionable pride. (As long as they don’t bend over.) They comprise the small percentage of people wearing skinny jeans who look good. Here’s a list of the subgroups that don’t, the ones who need to look in the mirror.
- The Muffinettes. Healthy young girls and midlife ladies (I would say plump but that’s probably not politically correct) whose flesh pools around the waistband. And here’s the thing: tight clothes hurt! I’ve gotten plump enough to experience muffin tops, and I frankly don’t see how to bear the biting, chaffing, and pinching all day. Pulling tight jeans on and off in the bathroom is torture. It’s enough to make me run around naked for the rest of my life, or worse yet, hang out in sweat pants all day at WalMart. And I’m just talking about the waistband! Don’t even get me started on the thighs.
- The Buttless Boys. Young guys who have no ass. The jeans loosen up, slip further and further down, and there’s . . . nothing. It looks like they’ve had assectomies. Even before skinny jeans happened, people have been complaining for the past 20 years about baggy “ghetto” jeans and the indignity of young guys clutching their XXL baggy jeans, underwear showing on purpose. Once the jeans fall, however, at least you are reassured by the curve of a healthy young butt in underwear. As for skinny jeans, I am seriously worried that the male hipster generation has mutated and left asses behind like a vestigial tail.
- Pregnant moms. Just give it up and wear leggings (or jeggings, god help us) already! I know there are comfort waistbands in pregnancy jeans, but do you really need to go into premature labor after you fall trying to yank the ankle of the skinny jean up over your heel? Do you really want to look like one of those fruit people balanced on toothpicks?
- Toddlers. I know it’s cute. Just like mommy. Remember the problem I talked about with skinny jeans and underwear? Try skinny jeans and a diaper. It’s hard enough just catching kids and putting them in regular clothes, let alone having to wedge them kicking and squealing into skinny jeans. It ‘s like coaxing toothpaste back into the tube.
Okay, so what to do? Surprise! There are other kinds of jeans and pants! If we consult the fashion hieroglyphs from the 20th century, lo! Boyfriend jeans, painter’s pants, cargo jeans, baggy jeans, harem pants, palazzo pants, pleated pants, Bobby Brooks slacks celebrated by John Cougar Mellencamp. When did wide or wider-legged jeans lose traction? Jesus, I would even wear culottes at this point! Remember those?
Look at Katherine Hepburn — glamorous without showing her butt or bellybutton.
Or check out the modern denim adaptations below.
Remember the Marlboro man? You don’t think he rode around on his horse with his butt crack showing, do you? Do you think The Great Gatsby worried that his underwear was exposed? Do you ever wonder if Ginger Rogers was concerned about her muffin tops? I don’t think so.
Friends don’t let friends wear skinny jeans. The revolution starts with you! If you’re ready to ride the freedom train, put on a comfortable pair of pants and say “Amen!”